The Reality of Marriage

There was a couple that my parents and I knew when I was growing up, that seemed to have everything. They both had successful careers, were college educated, lived in a big beautiful house, with their 5 kids. They seemed the antithesis of my parents: neither of which graduated from college, my father barely able to read, moving from house to house in west Baltimore whenever the rent became unreasonable. As far as I can remember, at least in front of us, the “Perfect” couple never fought, almost never even had a disagreement. My family and theirs would get together about once a week, eat, laugh, in general have a good time. But I can remember after they’d leave, I’d sometime feel depressed. Despite enjoying their company, I’d often compare their family to mine and more often than not, I’d end up feeling like something was wrong in my house. Unlike our friends, my parents seemed to argue and fight constantly; Over bills, blown paychecks, my father’s poor choice in friends, for one reason or another, somebody was yelling, some plate was being slammed, someone threatening to leave for good. As a kid, I’d think to myself, “What’s wrong with my parents”? Why can’t I have *** and *** as parents? Their marriage seemed perfect.
But things aren’t always as they seem. As I’ve gotten older and today celebrate 7 years of marriage with my wife, I’ve realized many things about marriage, maybe the most important being: Marriage is difficult. Yeah, my parents fought like cats and dogs, but they loved like them too. My mother stood beside my father through his struggles with addiction, through his job losses because of those addictions. Through it all. When my mother needed surgery last year, my father stayed with her in the hospital, heading home to cook for my brother, heading to work, and then heading back to the hospital to be by her side. With marriage, I now know, there are ebbs and flows, as I child I didn’t understand this. I could only see the ebbs of my parents’ marriage and the flow of the marriage of their friends.
At dinner the other night, my wife asked me , “Why do you think so many marriages don’t work today? (You know, those questions that guys just looooovvvee to answer!) This time I actually thought about it and said, “Because they give up too easily”. An argument is not a justification for a divorce. The reality is that the people who love each other the most, often fight the hardest. Each being so passionate and convinced that what they are doing is for the betterment of the relationship, that they have to convince the other person that they are correct. If a couple doesn’t fight, it doesn’t necessarily mean that things are going well, it might just mean that they have nothing left to say to each other.
These last 7 years of marriage haven’t always been easy for us. We yell, we fuss, we curse, a plate or two may have been thrown in 7 years, but here we stand 7 years later, and the only “itch” I have is to have my wife by my side forever. I pray that my sons will find wives willing to stand by them through the ups and downs as my mother did for my father, as my wife had for me, and that they’ll stand strong in their union, unwilling to run when things get rough, much like their parents and much like mine.
My parents spent 27 years together before tragedy stole my father away. Those fights along the way only served to solidify their bond. Today we celebrate 7. But we also celebrate the reality of marriage, the fighting, the cursing, the yelling, the crying, the throwing, and most importantly the loving.
….. And what happened to my family’s friends, you ask?? The “Perfect” couple with the “perfect” kids?? ….
Well Sandra married Elvin and had twins, Denise married a Navy admiral, Theo graduated from college, and the Cosby show got cancelled in 1992.