10 years later...

            

           Many things change over time. For example, I have gray hair now. Not a gray hair: gray hair, as in plural. I'd always had one or two that I'd shave off from time to time or let grow when I wanted a more "seasoned" look. But when I went to shave last week I noticed something different: I'd reached the point of no return. I had so many gray hairs on my chin that I'd have to shave the entire goatee to get rid of them! And not only have they invaded my chin but they're on my head now too! Ummmm...when the hell did this happen?! Like most things in life, it was a gradual process. Little by little, I've grown older in many ways without even noticing. I mean didn't I just graduate high school yesterday? No? Ok well definitely college was last week, right? Nothing made this gradual time elapse more evident than playing basketball last week. I consider myself to be in good shape. I coach two varsity sports, work out 3-4 days per week, eat decent meals (deserts don’t count obviously) and run 5-10 miles a week. But after 30 minutes of 5-on-5 in the gym yesterday, I looked around and noticed I was one of the 30 something's yelling, "slow it down fellas, let's walk the ball up court". There's a difference between being 30 something "in- shape" and 20 something "in shape". Some things change.

            The same is true of relationships. This past Thursday I celebrated 10 years of marriage to my best friend, closest advisor, and most intimate confidant. Our love continues to blossom with each passing day but that doesn't mean that it's the same type of love as 10 years ago. When I was 20, I loved my wife in a territorial way. Think of the way a baby loves her pacifier or the way Kanye West loves Kanye West: You know, so much that's it's almost too much. I always wanted her around. I wanted to show her off. And who could blame me, she was (and remains) the most gorgeous girl I'd ever seen (in real life of course; Celebrities don’t count but if they did it would be: Nia Long, Zoe Saldana, early 2000’s J-Lo and pre-nervous breakdown but post-Fugees, Mis-Education of Lauryn Hill era Lauryn Hill, in no particular order but I digress). I'd get upset if she wanted to hang with her girlfriends or wanted to stay a little longer at work to finish things. I loved her in a possessive way. She was my wife. I loved her because she was beautiful and because she made me feel happy. That doesn't mean that our love wasn't strong but it did mean that we had to work out the kinks.

            Over these past 10 years, like my hair, our love has changed in many ways without my noticing. With 4 kids and a large extended family, I've learned to share my love for my wife. That's not to suggest that I love her any less but I've realized that she has enough room in her heart to love me fully and others as well. Love doesn't mean ownership as I thought it did at 20, it means partnership. I love her now not just because of her beauty but because we bring out the best in each other. Because of how forgiving her heart is. Because of how genuine her emotion is, whether in joy or sorrow. Now, a night out without the spouse only makes me that much more excited to get back home to be reunited with her. Long hours at work only serve to provide more financial security for our family so that we can afford to take those special trips, like we just did and create those special memories that we'll share forever.

            On this, our 10th anniversary, I am keenly aware that while the nature of our love may have changed, at its core our love will forever remain the same. Marriage does not come without its challenges and its crises but any strong marriage will consist of memories and moments that make the not-so-great moments seem not-so-bad. We were blessed to celebrate our 1st year of marriage in Paris and even more blessed to have spent our 10th in Hawaii. Only God knows where we will be for our 20th but I know for sure that the best part of that trip will be the same best part of these two trips: having someone worth sharing those moments with. For as much as some things change, some things remain the same.