Men are often defined by certain characteristics: strong, athletic, proud, protective, aggressive. I’ve always felt like I carry most of those characteristics. But there’s one, that ever since I was a little boy I seemed to lack: being handy.
I can’t fix sh*t! Never could. Couldn’t fix a flat tire on my bike as a kid. Couldn’t figure out how to put the arms back on my GI Joes. Takes me 45 minutes to an hour to change a car tire. Assemble Ikea furniture?? Forget it, I’d be better off buying it online and having it shipped in fully assembled from the warehouse in Sweden. My wife once had to assemble our son’s bed because I was convinced it was defected and missing pieces.
My dad, on the other hand, seemed to have been born with a tool belt. A roofer by trade, he’d climb 10-20 story buildings on a daily basis, patching holes, lining gutters, placing shingles. And he wasn’t limited to just the outside of the house. He’d lay carpet, unclog the kitchen sink, change the oil on the car. A real man’s man. I’d often think to myself, could we be any more different. I mean, aren’t some traits inherited?? Did those genes just skip me??
Our differences weren’t limited to our kinesthetic skills (or in my case, lack thereof). No sir, it seemed sometimes that the only thing my father and I shared in common was our last name. I was a nerd, a book worm, read all the time even made up my own stories as a kid; He could barely read. I once tested for near perfect vision, 20/15; My father almost went blind as a child, he could hardly see his hand in front of his face. I was quiet, shy, a housecat; He was the life of the party, always outside, making noise, having fun. My hair long and locked; his short or bald. Even our skin complexions didn’t match. Mom are you sure he’s my father??
Yet as I grow older, I am realizing what I’m sure he already knew, that so much of him is engrained in me. The differences now seem so miniscule. As I stood in my mother’s backyard today, weedwacker in hand, trimming her grass, as my father had so many times before, I couldn’t help but think about that little boy, who couldn’t fix anything. I cut the grass, trimmed the edges as she stood in the door way and looked on. I imagine, we both saw my father out there really, he in me, I in him. A couple weeks ago, her refrigerator died and she called me over to help her set up the new one. I had to take the hinges off of the door to get it to fit through the door way, shave a bit of the door to the kitchen that had swollen, then reattach the door to the hinges. I had never done any of it before but yet somehow, all of a sudden, I just knew how to. Which made me think: Maybe I wasn’t handy before because I didn’t have to be? In the back of my mind I guess I always knew, whether it be a hole in the roof, or a hole in my tire, that dad would be there to fix it. It’s funny how much we absorb from our family without ever knowing it.
Kaleb broke the leg to one of Noah’s action figures a few weeks ago. As I walked up stairs to see about the ensuing melee, I overheard Noah say to his brother, “Its okay Kaleb, I can give it to dad, He can fix anything.” He’s 6 and in his dad-hero worship phase, so right now I’m Mr. Fix it. I don’t mind, because for all of my life my dad was Mr. Fix it too. Now I guess it’s my turn. I imagine one day Noah will realize that we share more in common than those minuscule surface differences. More than simply a last name. He is part me, as I am part my father. So one day too he’ll be Mr. Fix it. Just do me a favor and don’t tell him about that tube of crazy glue hidden in my bedroom drawer!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Celebrating GSAM Day
Logged into facebook this morning. Newsfeed read as follows:
- “Fathers day is a joke. So fu*k Fathers Day. Dudes become fathers by accident or in 30 seconds. It takes a real man to be a daddy. You gotta earn that one. So happy Daddies Day to all those Dads out there. Especially those who have taken the place of those 30 second Fathers”
- “Happy Father's Day to all the fathers/dads, sperm donors not included!!!”,
- “Really don’t care too much for this day”,
- “Happy "Fathers Day" to all you dead beat dads”,
- “I hate all men, especially black men!, I hope they all die in a fiery pit in hell!”
…Ok, I made that last one up, but the rest of these are actual “status updates” for… What else? Father’s Day! Bitter much??
The unfortunate truth is that too many young people today (and some older ones as well) have a right to be bitter. Too often do I meet students being raised by single mothers, grandparents, aunts, cousins, friend’s parents or the social welfare system. I’m not breaking any news when I say there are too many missing fathers in the lives of our children today. Too many fleeting fathers, who leave the children behind, while they are in the process of leaving the mother behind. Too many guys with too many excuses about why they don’t have too much time to be in their children’s lives.
My point is not to bash absent fathers. There are plenty of days for that. The question that needs to be raised is, Are YOU sir doing enough to pick up the slack? You, yes you! (No seriously, go look in a mirror right now, then come back and finish reading this blog, I’m really talking about you!). “It takes a village to raise a child” or so the saying goes, right? I don’t know if we have a whole village left, but all movements start with one person. We get upset, when we hear a little boy cursing like a construction worker in the mall, or when we see a little girl half-dressed prancing down the street attracting the wrong kind of attention. But each of us are to be held responsible for this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to go out and snatch that little boy by the ear (he WILL CUT YOU! I am not kidding!). But what I am saying, is set the example for those kids to see. Being present and involved in your children’s lives will impact the children around them. As original as kids claim to be, they really aren’t. Kids are copy cats. If your child has manners, his manners may rub off on that little Marlow Stansfield in his class (Wire reference, sorry I’m addicted). If you daughter is dressed in cute, age appropriate clothes, her little girlfriends are going to ask her where she shops. Peer pressure goes both ways. But all of that starts with US. Not with just allowing the kids to dress however or do whatever, because dad isn’t around.
Yes fathers are important. But for most successful people, there was no one singular person who made them into the person they are today. We don’t live in a vacuum. Yes, my father was involved, I realize my blessing but there were other men: a math teacher , a soccer coach, a friend’s dad, who helped shape my world and my vision of what a good man is. A good man is responsible, hard working, steadfast in his values, but a good man is not PERFECT. And because we are all flawed, it is all of our responsibility to pick up that slack when some MAN falls short.
Let us each be fathers to the kids in the community, even if that just means being a good parent to your own child so that they can be an example to the children around them. I’m not telling you not to be bitter. Hurt is real. But let us not get caught up in those choosing to be absent today, and rather let us focus on those who chose to be present for today. Yeah it’s called “Fathers Day”, but to me, its Good, Strong Active Men in our community today. We all know them, lets each become them. And then maybe next year, my Facebook newsfeed wont be so, d**n bitter!
- “Fathers day is a joke. So fu*k Fathers Day. Dudes become fathers by accident or in 30 seconds. It takes a real man to be a daddy. You gotta earn that one. So happy Daddies Day to all those Dads out there. Especially those who have taken the place of those 30 second Fathers”
- “Happy Father's Day to all the fathers/dads, sperm donors not included!!!”,
- “Really don’t care too much for this day”,
- “Happy "Fathers Day" to all you dead beat dads”,
- “I hate all men, especially black men!, I hope they all die in a fiery pit in hell!”
…Ok, I made that last one up, but the rest of these are actual “status updates” for… What else? Father’s Day! Bitter much??
The unfortunate truth is that too many young people today (and some older ones as well) have a right to be bitter. Too often do I meet students being raised by single mothers, grandparents, aunts, cousins, friend’s parents or the social welfare system. I’m not breaking any news when I say there are too many missing fathers in the lives of our children today. Too many fleeting fathers, who leave the children behind, while they are in the process of leaving the mother behind. Too many guys with too many excuses about why they don’t have too much time to be in their children’s lives.
My point is not to bash absent fathers. There are plenty of days for that. The question that needs to be raised is, Are YOU sir doing enough to pick up the slack? You, yes you! (No seriously, go look in a mirror right now, then come back and finish reading this blog, I’m really talking about you!). “It takes a village to raise a child” or so the saying goes, right? I don’t know if we have a whole village left, but all movements start with one person. We get upset, when we hear a little boy cursing like a construction worker in the mall, or when we see a little girl half-dressed prancing down the street attracting the wrong kind of attention. But each of us are to be held responsible for this. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not telling you to go out and snatch that little boy by the ear (he WILL CUT YOU! I am not kidding!). But what I am saying, is set the example for those kids to see. Being present and involved in your children’s lives will impact the children around them. As original as kids claim to be, they really aren’t. Kids are copy cats. If your child has manners, his manners may rub off on that little Marlow Stansfield in his class (Wire reference, sorry I’m addicted). If you daughter is dressed in cute, age appropriate clothes, her little girlfriends are going to ask her where she shops. Peer pressure goes both ways. But all of that starts with US. Not with just allowing the kids to dress however or do whatever, because dad isn’t around.
Yes fathers are important. But for most successful people, there was no one singular person who made them into the person they are today. We don’t live in a vacuum. Yes, my father was involved, I realize my blessing but there were other men: a math teacher , a soccer coach, a friend’s dad, who helped shape my world and my vision of what a good man is. A good man is responsible, hard working, steadfast in his values, but a good man is not PERFECT. And because we are all flawed, it is all of our responsibility to pick up that slack when some MAN falls short.
Let us each be fathers to the kids in the community, even if that just means being a good parent to your own child so that they can be an example to the children around them. I’m not telling you not to be bitter. Hurt is real. But let us not get caught up in those choosing to be absent today, and rather let us focus on those who chose to be present for today. Yeah it’s called “Fathers Day”, but to me, its Good, Strong Active Men in our community today. We all know them, lets each become them. And then maybe next year, my Facebook newsfeed wont be so, d**n bitter!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
The Reality of Marriage
There was a couple that my parents and I knew when I was growing up, that seemed to have everything. They both had successful careers, were college educated, lived in a big beautiful house, with their 5 kids. They seemed the antithesis of my parents: neither of which graduated from college, my father barely able to read, moving from house to house in west Baltimore whenever the rent became unreasonable. As far as I can remember, at least in front of us, the “Perfect” couple never fought, almost never even had a disagreement. My family and theirs would get together about once a week, eat, laugh, in general have a good time. But I can remember after they’d leave, I’d sometime feel depressed. Despite enjoying their company, I’d often compare their family to mine and more often than not, I’d end up feeling like something was wrong in my house. Unlike our friends, my parents seemed to argue and fight constantly; Over bills, blown paychecks, my father’s poor choice in friends, for one reason or another, somebody was yelling, some plate was being slammed, someone threatening to leave for good. As a kid, I’d think to myself, “What’s wrong with my parents”? Why can’t I have *** and *** as parents? Their marriage seemed perfect.
But things aren’t always as they seem. As I’ve gotten older and today celebrate 7 years of marriage with my wife, I’ve realized many things about marriage, maybe the most important being: Marriage is difficult. Yeah, my parents fought like cats and dogs, but they loved like them too. My mother stood beside my father through his struggles with addiction, through his job losses because of those addictions. Through it all. When my mother needed surgery last year, my father stayed with her in the hospital, heading home to cook for my brother, heading to work, and then heading back to the hospital to be by her side. With marriage, I now know, there are ebbs and flows, as I child I didn’t understand this. I could only see the ebbs of my parents’ marriage and the flow of the marriage of their friends.
At dinner the other night, my wife asked me , “Why do you think so many marriages don’t work today? (You know, those questions that guys just looooovvvee to answer!) This time I actually thought about it and said, “Because they give up too easily”. An argument is not a justification for a divorce. The reality is that the people who love each other the most, often fight the hardest. Each being so passionate and convinced that what they are doing is for the betterment of the relationship, that they have to convince the other person that they are correct. If a couple doesn’t fight, it doesn’t necessarily mean that things are going well, it might just mean that they have nothing left to say to each other.
These last 7 years of marriage haven’t always been easy for us. We yell, we fuss, we curse, a plate or two may have been thrown in 7 years, but here we stand 7 years later, and the only “itch” I have is to have my wife by my side forever. I pray that my sons will find wives willing to stand by them through the ups and downs as my mother did for my father, as my wife had for me, and that they’ll stand strong in their union, unwilling to run when things get rough, much like their parents and much like mine.
My parents spent 27 years together before tragedy stole my father away. Those fights along the way only served to solidify their bond. Today we celebrate 7. But we also celebrate the reality of marriage, the fighting, the cursing, the yelling, the crying, the throwing, and most importantly the loving.
….. And what happened to my family’s friends, you ask?? The “Perfect” couple with the “perfect” kids?? ….
Well Sandra married Elvin and had twins, Denise married a Navy admiral, Theo graduated from college, and the Cosby show got cancelled in 1992.
But things aren’t always as they seem. As I’ve gotten older and today celebrate 7 years of marriage with my wife, I’ve realized many things about marriage, maybe the most important being: Marriage is difficult. Yeah, my parents fought like cats and dogs, but they loved like them too. My mother stood beside my father through his struggles with addiction, through his job losses because of those addictions. Through it all. When my mother needed surgery last year, my father stayed with her in the hospital, heading home to cook for my brother, heading to work, and then heading back to the hospital to be by her side. With marriage, I now know, there are ebbs and flows, as I child I didn’t understand this. I could only see the ebbs of my parents’ marriage and the flow of the marriage of their friends.
At dinner the other night, my wife asked me , “Why do you think so many marriages don’t work today? (You know, those questions that guys just looooovvvee to answer!) This time I actually thought about it and said, “Because they give up too easily”. An argument is not a justification for a divorce. The reality is that the people who love each other the most, often fight the hardest. Each being so passionate and convinced that what they are doing is for the betterment of the relationship, that they have to convince the other person that they are correct. If a couple doesn’t fight, it doesn’t necessarily mean that things are going well, it might just mean that they have nothing left to say to each other.
These last 7 years of marriage haven’t always been easy for us. We yell, we fuss, we curse, a plate or two may have been thrown in 7 years, but here we stand 7 years later, and the only “itch” I have is to have my wife by my side forever. I pray that my sons will find wives willing to stand by them through the ups and downs as my mother did for my father, as my wife had for me, and that they’ll stand strong in their union, unwilling to run when things get rough, much like their parents and much like mine.
My parents spent 27 years together before tragedy stole my father away. Those fights along the way only served to solidify their bond. Today we celebrate 7. But we also celebrate the reality of marriage, the fighting, the cursing, the yelling, the crying, the throwing, and most importantly the loving.
….. And what happened to my family’s friends, you ask?? The “Perfect” couple with the “perfect” kids?? ….
Well Sandra married Elvin and had twins, Denise married a Navy admiral, Theo graduated from college, and the Cosby show got cancelled in 1992.
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